Why Do People Let Abuse and Character Assassination Happen? What Creates Complicity?

Why do people let abuse and character assassination happen? George Clooney 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5008429/Matt-Damon-KNEW-Harvey-Weinstein-harassed-Gwyneth-Paltrow.html 

In this article Clooney says Weinstein, "... bragged about bedding stars. Clooney says that at the time he ."..didn't believe Weinstein because to do so would believe the worst of ...actresses who were friends of mine." 

Read that again. Clooney was friends with and worked closely with Harvey who was telling horrible lies about women who were friends of his.and Clooney did-- exactly NOTHING about Weinstein's slanderous comments.
He didn't stop Harvey from telling him the stories. He didn't call Harvey on it and say, "Hey I don't believe you!" He didn't say, "I know these women, and I respect them and know they wouldn't be having affairs so I suggest you never say they are to anyone ever again." Nor did he do something else that requires integrity, Clooney didn’t tell his women friends about Harvey’s lies so those women could choose how they wanted to protect themselves against Harvey’s character assassination of them. His slander victims were not given the opportunity to defend themselves. 

Clooney, a powerful man in his own right, and a buddy of Weinstein did not consider the harm of the slandering of his friends. He didn't consider how that harm to their reputation could affect them in the future. There is no doubt that having a huge producer brag to people that he bedded you doesn’t make it safe for you to NOT do so with the next powerful man in your career. Those women needed Clooney to be a true friend to them to be a stand up guy.

People, if someone is spreading lies about someone you care for be a stand up person. If someone is defaming anyone’s character with lies and deceit stand up!!!! It is oh so easy to not want to risk having a socially awkward conversation and call them on it, or lose membership in the group. But any group that contains a lying monster needs to rethink their membership! It's clear women were abused, it's clear women and in some cases men were x'ed out of Harvey’s “Group” and possibly their careers. But any group member who doesn’t defend a victim is an enabler of the attacker.

Here is why group members don’t speak out from another post I wrote:

Ever, wonder why no one spoke up about Weinstein during his years of abuse? For many years I spoke on sexual harassment and the group’s response to it. (In fact, the group’s response to abuse, affairs and romantic relationships was my first research paper in my doctoral program) People around the abuser may know about the abuse to the victim or victims and let it continue. Think about the people around Bill Cosby. There are many reasons they may need to believe the abuser is innocent, as believing the truth. That the abuser has abused and is in fact evil creates too much cognitive dissonance. They would have to admit they know and are working with someone evil. Many prefer to keep the mask on the monster and continue their lives as they are. Especially if they are receiving "goodies"of any kind from the attacker. The research shows many abusers, set up situations that prime the group to be complicit. They will hire them, wine and dine them and talk dirt about their victims before they even attack them.

So Clooney may even think he is innocent of wrong doing. Observers of abuse and attacks, can say, hey I would be tattling if I told on the attacker or abuser, or its romance and  not their business. Seeing an attack on someone's physical body and or an attack on their character or integrity and not doing anything is an act of complicity. If it was not clear for Clooney back then it should be for every one going forward. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What kinds of people narcissists tend to seek out in romantic relationships

Just did a piece for Verily magazine. Here are the notes I sent them.

1. What types of people narcissists tend to seek out in romantic relationships (i.e. insecure, people-pleasers, etc.)

Narcissists choose people pleasers, and good listeners. They want someone who is empathetic, in fact, “Hyper Empathy is preferred” and kind. They want someone who is “High bonding”, “High Sentimentality.” They want someone who gives readily of their time, their caring and their emotions. They also want someone who is highly idealistic and low in “Harm Avoidance” and high in “cooperation.” For more information. Look up “Narcissistic abuse, targets, victims.” And if you think it is more serious look up “Psychopathic abuse, targets, and victims.”

2. Signs that you are dating a narcissist (i.e. what kind of qualities do narcissists generally have?)

Charm, Charisma, Intense mesmerizing eye contact, high touch behavior that starts very quickly, such as holding hands on the first date, or hugging spontaneously right away, or touching to push back their dates hair or take a thread off a jacket on the first date.  Close talker and or just plain standing or sitting closer than normal, a space invader. May talk slightly louder or very loudly and may gesture in an over the top manner and may interrupt in a charming enthusiastic way. May have a loud or unusual laugh and may use the laugh to interrupt you, though it may sound like they are indeed laughing at something you said if you listen closely it interrupts your “turn” to speak. And if you listen even more closely you will notice they interrupt when you take away too much attention from them. High self-discloser on a first date. They will sweep you off your feet and charm you. Love bombing you so that you feel like you are on an emotional high, they will put you up on a pedestal complimenting you in an over the top manner and perhaps showering with small gifts. “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother you with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and designation, essentially, as the most special person ever. (Look up “Mask of Sanity”)

3. Tips to help readers avoid dating narcissists.

Notice the first date. Do you feel overwhelmed swept up? Highly emotionally charged. Does the conversation seem very intimate? Are you sharing stories of your bad relationships? Do they claim they were a victim in their last relationship and tell you the horrible details? Do they compliment you more than once? Do they say you are different or special on the FIRST date? Do they lean in close or touch you on FIRST date? If they describe their ex as crazy, bipolar, a drug addict, and or anorexic or a bitch because they are not just a narcissist research says, people who describe their ex with any or all of these characteristics on first dates and or at the beginning of new relationship describing themselves as victims of their ex,’s are likely to be a sociopath/psychopaths. They are often flat out lying or they created so much stress in their ex’s life their ex may have thought themselves crazy. RUN!  If your still not sure look out Psychopathic Abuse Victim.

PLUS

If you truly want to understand how smart warm wonderful women are targets of Psychopaths read the research of Sandra Brown:

https://www.sott.net/article/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

“The seminal aspect of the research was in detecting these women's unique and astounding elevated 'super traits' of temperament, personality strengths, and weaknesses. These proved to be an amazingly compatible match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath and brought a natural 'balance' to the honeymoon aspects of the relationship.”

“While the uncovering of her innate traits and conditioned behaviors explained much about this dangerous relationship and has brought huge intellectual and emotional relief to the victims, it does not seem to have gone very far in modifying the public misperceptions about psychopaths or their victims. On a recent radio show, after describing the huge elevation of some of the victim's temperament traits and explaining how it could affect her patterns of selection and even tolerance in these relationships, the host said, "That's a crock of crap! You're telling me that a few temperament traits can do that? I don't believe it. She picked him, she stayed, she needs to own it and she was probably abused as a child." These simplistic answers are what have been, and continue to be, at the core of the abysmal lack of public psychopathology education.”

“As mentioned, my research has revealed that women who love psychopaths (and other Cluster B personality disordered individuals) possess rather unique and extraordinary 'super traits' of temperament that make them the perfect target/victim of the psychopath. While the following does not cover all of her traits, these were the ones most highly elevated and were thus likely contributing factors:

Here is the research by Sandra Brown on what psychopaths look for in a romantic partner:

§  Extraversion and excitement seeking (Psychopaths are also extraverts and excitement seekers.)  In other words, these women started out being the least dependent types on the planet!

§  Deep Investment in all relationships (The victim gives great emotional, spiritual, physical, financial investments in any of her relationships, not just the intimate ones.)

§  Sentimentality

§  Attachment – Deep bonding capacity (She has a deep bonding capacity.)

§  Competitiveness – stand ground – not codependent (She is not likely to be run out of relationships – she will stand her ground.  Again, not the co-dependent type at all.)

§  Low Harm Avoidance – does not expect to be hurt (She doesn’t expect to be hurt, sees others through who she is.  In other words, not a person looking to recreate an abusive relationship of childhood.  In fact, more often than not, these women were never exposed to abuse of any kind as children.)

§  Cooperation

§  Higher Empathy – can be genetic

§  Responsibility and Resourcefulness

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What types of people narcissists tend to seek out in romantic relationships

I speak on how to deal with difficult people. 

1. What types of people narcissists tend to seek out in romantic relationships (people-pleasers, etc.)

Narcissists choose people pleasers, and good listeners. They want someone who is empathetic, in fact, “Hyper Empathy is preferred” and kind. They want someone who is “High bonding”, “High Sentimentality.” They want someone who gives readily, gives of his or her emotions, who is low in “Harm Avoidance” and high in “cooperation.”

2. Signs that you are dating a narcissist (i.e. what kind of qualities do narcissists generally have?)

Charm, Charisma, Intense mesmerizing eye contact, high touch behavior that starts very quickly, such as holding hands on the first date, or hugging spontaneously right away, or touching to push back their dates hair or take a thread off a jacket on the first date.  Close talker and or just plain standing or sitting closer than normal, a space invader. May talk slightly louder or very loudly and may gesture in an over the top manner and may interrupt in a charming enthusiastic way. May have a loud or unusual laugh, and may use the laugh to interrupt you, though it may sound like they are indeed laughing at something you said, if you listen closely it interrupts your “turn” to speak. And if you listen even more closely you will notice they interrupt when you take away too much attention from them. High self-discloser on a first date. They will sweep you off your feet and charm you. Love bombing you so that you feel like you are on an emotional high, they will put you up on a pedestal complimenting you in an over the top manner and perhaps showering with small gifts. “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother you with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and designation, essentially, as the most special person ever.

3. Tips to help readers avoid dating narcissists.

Notice the first date. Do you feel overwhelmed swept up? Highly emotionally charged. Does the conversation seem very intimate? Are you sharing stories of your bad relationships? Do they claim they were a victim in their last relationship and tell you the horrible details? Do they complement you more than once? Do they say you are different or special on the FIRST date? Do they lean in close or touch you on FIRST date? If they describe their ex as crazy, bi polar, a drug addict, and or anorexic or a bitch run, because they are not just a narcissist they are a sociopath. RUN! 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

     

Bill O'Reilly - Narcissists Abuse And Often Claim Victim Hood And Attack Their Victim's Character

Narcissist Abuse, then Claims Victim- Hood and Attacks Their Victims Character. The Bill O'Reilly Factor 

O'Reilly settled in several sexual harassment charges against him so he obviously knew people perceived his behavior as harassment. And yet he speaks of a conspiracy against him, his career, and his children. What has happened to him is not due to a conspiracy it's a consequence of his predatory behavior. I find it particularly despicable for him to accuse people of hurting his children. He chose his behavior and he repeated his behavior again and again. He is the one who needs to be responsible for what is happening to him and his children now.

Research shows that "Malignant Narcissists" don't take responsibility. They always feel they are the "victim" and what is happening is always somebody else's fault.  O'Reilly says, "The New York Times Hates Me!."  Seriously!  He sees no relationship between his 32 Million dollars in settlement cases for harassment and having a publication investigate whether you harassed someone.  He sees no relationship between his abusive behavior and consequences. Perhaps he seems blindsided because until now they were kept secret, because up until now he got away with it. 

In fact, when others see an opportunity for a man or woman who have made an error to stand up and say, "I messed up and I am so sorry." Malignant Narcissists and Psychopaths have a pattern of claiming victim-hood and may even attack and assassinate the character of their very victims. Note how O'Reilly attacks Kelly and lies saying he did not know of any complaint by her when in even a toxic HR environment he would have, by law, been required to know about the complaint. 

http://deadline.com/2017/10/bill-oreilly-megyn-kelly-harvey-weinstein-new-york-times-glenn-beck-sexual-harassment-settlement-32-million-dollars-1202193171/amp/

UPDATED with Eric Bolling response, Bill O’Reilly apology: Former Fox News host Eric Bolling has issued a statement telling Bill O’Reilly to knock off his “beyond inappropriate” talk about his son. In a statement, sent first to New York Times, Bolling said:

Bill O’Reilly responded with apology:

Previous: Very busy morning for Bill O’Reilly. Appearing on The Glenn BeckProgram, he dismissed as “incomprehensible” the morning’s headline-grabbing monologue delivered by former Fox News Channel colleague Megyn Kelly.

“She did not file a complaint. Not that I know of,” he said.

At the top of her NBC News program, Kelly this morning revealed she sent an email last year to the co-presidents of her former employer Fox News complaining about O’Reilly’s behavior toward women.

“I never had any problem with Megyn Kelly,” O’Reilly told Beck. “I don’t know why Megyn Kelly is doing what she’s doing. I don’t know why…It is incomprehensible.”

O’Reilly also could be heard today in a New York Times podcast of an interview conducted last Wednesday with authors of the blockbuster weekend report that O’Reilly had settled a sexual harassment lawsuit that had been threatened against him by Lis Wiehl, for $32M shortly before his contract was extended last spring by Fox News parent company.

In that interview, O’Reilly seems to suggest the NYT bore responsibility for the death of former colleague Eric Bolling’s son, who died shortly after Fox News parted ways with Bolling amid allegations of sexual harassment reported on by the newspaper.

“I urge you to think about what you put in your newspaper,” O’Reilly said in the podcast. “Eric Bolling’s son is dead. He’s dead because of allegations made — in my opinion and I know this to be true — against Mr. Bolling.”

In that interview, O’Reilly told Emily Steel and Michael Schmidt, “We have physical proof that this is bullshit. Bullshit. Okay? So it’s on you if you want to destroy my children further. Alright, cause it’s all crap. Why don’t you be human beings for once. This is horrible.

“It’s horrible what I went through. Horrible what my family went through. This is crap. And you know it. It’s politically and financially motivated. And we can prove it with shocking information.”

On Saturday O’Reilly rep Mark Fabiani said NYT report was “obviously designed to embarrass Bill O’Reilly and to keep him from competing in the marketplace.”

O’Reilly repeated that refrain Monday morning on Glenn Beck’s program, asserting NYT “wants to take me out of the markeplace,” and that he’s muzzled because he “can’t speak on any case that has been resolved.”

When Beck marveled at the reported $32M settlement price tag reported in NYT, O’Reilly shot back, “Right. What do you want me to say,” again noting he cannot talk, per terms of the settlement.

He similarly responded to other of Beck’s questions, adding, “I know it’s frustrating. It’s very frustrating for me. Imagine me sitting here, being accused of everything under the sun.

O’Reilly insisted NYT‘s “endgame is, ‘Let’s link O’Reilly with Harvey Weinstein. Let’s make him that’.”

Speaking of himself in the third person, O’Reilly charged the newspaper with working to “take him out of the marketplace forever…he never gets to give his opinion on issues again. We take him out because we hate him’.”

“The New York Times obviously hates me,” O’Reilly said. “It’s dishonest in the extreme and frustrating for me. But unless I want another seven or eight years of litigation that puts my children in the kill zone, I have to maintain

PLUS:
If you truly want to understand how smart warm wonderful women are targets of Psychopaths read the research of Sandra Brown:

https://www.sott.net/article/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

“The seminal aspect of the research was in detecting these women's unique and astounding elevated 'super traits' of temperament, personality strengths and weaknesses. These proved to be an amazingly compatible match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath and brought a natural 'balance' to the honeymoon aspects of the relationship.”

“While the uncovering of her innate traits and conditioned behaviors explained much about this dangerous relationship and has brought huge intellectual and emotional relief to the victims, it does not seem to have gone very far in modifying the public misperceptions about psychopaths or their victims. On a recent radio show, after describing the huge elevation of some of the victim's temperament traits and explaining how it could affect her patterns of selection and even tolerance in these relationships, the host said, "That's a crock of crap! You're telling me that a few temperament traits can do that? I don't believe it. She picked him, she stayed, she needs to own it and she was probably abused as a child." These simplistic answers are what have been, and continue to be, at the core of the abysmal lack of public psychopathology education.”

“As mentioned, my research has revealed that women who love psychopaths (and other Cluster B personality disordered individuals) possess rather unique and extraordinary 'super traits' of temperament that make them the perfect target/victim of the psychopath. While the following does not cover all of her traits, these were the ones most highly elevated and were thus likely contributing factors:

Here is the research by Sandra Brown on what psychopaths look for in a romantic partner:

§  Extraversion and excitement seeking (Psychopaths are also extraverts and excitement seekers.)  In other words, these women started out being the least dependent types on the planet!

§  Deep Investment in all relationships (The victim gives great emotional, spiritual, physical, financial investments in any of her relationships, not just the intimate ones.)

§  Sentimentality

§  Attachment – Deep bonding capacity (She has a deep bonding capacity.)

§  Competitiveness – stand ground – not codependent (She is not likely to be run out of relationships – she will stand her ground.  Again, not the co-dependent type at all.)

§  Low Harm Avoidance – does not expect to be hurt (She doesn’t expect to be hurt, sees others through who she is.  In other words, not a person looking to recreate an abusive relationship of childhood.  In fact, more often than not, these women were never exposed to abuse of any kind as children.)

§  Cooperation

§  Higher Empathy – can be genetic

§  Responsibilty and Resourcefulness

  

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

     

What Are Ways To Connect And Build Intimacy With Someone Who Prefers Love Language Via Physical Touch

What are ways to connect and build intimacy with someone who expresses love via physical touch?

What does it mean if someone's love language is physical touch?

If someone’s love language is touch it means that they are fed by, need and are brought joy and connection through touch.  They may feel depressed, stressed or unloved if they don’t receive enough touch and may not feel emotional intimacy with someone if that person does not fulfill their touch needs. It can be a short touch as they let you through a door, holding hands when walking or sitting together, a brief touch to push back your hair and the following: 

Touch to-do’s

“How about a hug?” Ask for hugs and give them freely. There are many forms of affection — cuddling, a pat on the shoulder, etc. Find out what kind of affectionate touch the people in your life want and give it to them. At Florida State, though I did not have a doctorate, I was called Dr. Hugs by my students. My nonverbal communication class had more than100 students, so everywhere I went I got a hug. I loved it.

“Thank you.” Touch can be a reward. A gentle touch on the forearm or hand at work or a hug or kiss at home can let people know you appreciate them. Think of all the little things people do for you and reward them with a touch. I was “the napkin girl” when I was very small and after I went around the table folding and putting the napkin at each place setting, I got a hug. As I grew older and set the full table, I still got a verbal thank you, but the hug was absent. Continue touching to say thank you. Heidi Feldman, chief of the Division of General Academic Pediatrics at Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh says, “A child is much more likely to try to please a parent who acknowledges his contribution and thoughtful, helping behavior.”

“Tell me more.” I did research in grad school on touching to increase self-disclosure. Sure enough, when you touch someone even briefly in a non-threatening, non-sexual way, they will self disclose more. This was helpful for me to know and take action as a therapist, but just think how powerful it is to use in your personal relationships. We tend to skate on the surface of our relationships instead on becoming emotionally intimate. Create the intimacy of pillow talk without sex by giving healthy touch to encourage people to share more. There are places and times where “Tell me more” touch works very easily. While cooking or eating dinner with loved ones, you can purposefully touch as you hand each other food, plates and utensils, When riding in a car or golf cart, you are close enough to touch in a non-threatening manner, even if it is something as innocent as passing a drink or handkerchief. In sales or other meeting settings, you can touch when passing out handouts, brochures or samples.

“Let me comfort you.” Sometimes we move away from loved ones who are highly emotional, crying or upset when moving in closer and touching can help them feel better.

There is an exception to this. Therapists are sometimes encouraged not to touch too soon so their patients can stay upset long enough to share all their pain. When my best friend Roy was dying, one of the worst things to deal with was the lack of comforting touch I could get from others. I moved to Atlanta away from my other friends and family and the one person who normally hugged me and gave me the most comfort was Roy. And he needed me to be strong for him. If you know someone who is going through grief and loss give them comforting touch. So often, we get caught up in taboos and avoid the natural inclination to touch. People will step back or arch away if they are uncomfortable with the prospect of your touch, so take the step to try it, knowing you can move out of it if you need to.

“You can do it.” Use touch as a motivator. Touch as you give a work assignment, as you put your child on their first two-wheeler and as you send your sweetie off to his or her first marathon. Touch makes us feel empowered and is a great encourager. Increased self-esteem received through touch can help others follow through a challenging task. I spent a lot of my teenage years working on plays. I remember clearly how we would all hug each other before each play started and would give little back rubs to actors about to go on stage for a difficult part of their performance. The touch fed us and made us strong. Think of all the touch given in a sporting event. It’s not surprising the encouraging touch given to athletes is similar across cultures. We know that a pat on the back moves a person forward.

“Please.” Use touch to ask for help as well. It won’t surprise you to know that pairing touch with a request makes it much more likely the person will do what you ask. Just a brief touch on the forearm, lasting less than a fortieth of a second, can increase your persuasive powers.

“I love you.” It should be very clear to you now we need physical contact to feel acceptance and belonging. We all want to be loved.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.